The last month or so I have been able to see the dark clouds building on my horizon. It was a darkness that I recognized as I have been through it before. Every day the dark mass would get bigger and darker. I would try to go about my daily life as though all were "normal", but things were anything but for me. When storms like this happen, everything, and I mean everything, closes in on me. Nothing is as it seems. Everything is multiplied by 10 or more. My legs start to buckle under the pressure of that immense dark mass of clouds swirling and building above me. As those of us who deal with these storms in our lives, we are masters of putting on a happy face. We can still pretend that all is well. Hell, we have had lots of practice. But once it really starts closing in, I will start to send out little SOS signals. There will be signs that not all is rosey. Sometimes I come right out with it. There are times when I am able to keep the storm at bay, but this time, I could not. It overtook me with a force that sucked the breath and life out of me.
I snapped, basically. I couldn't be who everyone wanted and expected me to be for another second. I could not stand to read the constant hypocrisy and skewed priorities. The barrage of negativity became overwhelming. I deleted my Facebook account (the most liberating thing ever), turned off my phone, and I cried for a week straight. I stayed in bed for two full days because I just couldn't function.
Thankfully, I have some amazing people in my life and they were my lighthouses in the storm. They get it. They get me. And they love me no matter who I am or what demons I'm battling. Thank God for them. Jac, Dawn, Matt, and my personal angels, my daughters. I love you all more than I can say.
Once the light began to break through the clouds, I didn't go back on to Facebook. I still needed to be away from all of that. It was quite an eye-opening experience for me. Here is what I learned from it:
What I learned was not all negative, however. I do enjoy those who make me laugh, who share freely their lives with me online, who inspire me, who support those they care about. I love being able to keep in touch with friends and family who live far away from me. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not talk on the phone, so for me, technology has opened up avenues of communication that I can relate to. As far as business or entrepreneurial networking goes, FB is, hands-down, the best. Yes, I also have Instagram, and Snapchat and Twitter, and whatever else, but in this day, FB is a fabulous networking tool.
So, as always happens, my darkness has led to a lot of illumination. I will go back on to that social network, however, the list of those connected to me will be pared down considerably. It is not up to me whether or not you take it personally. If I "unfriend" you online, that doesn't mean that I am in the real world, so remember that. I am surrounded by people who unapologetically do what is best for them on a daily basis, so now it is time for me to do what is best for me.