Midlife

​"Midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go. Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy and lovable, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever. Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. The time has come to let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are."
~ Brene Brown
 Wholehearted: Adventures in Growing Up, Falling Apart and Finding Joy

This quote popped up in my newsfeed today.  First of all, big shout out to Brene Brown for always saying things in just the way we need to hear them. Second, I am so fascinated by the changes in me since my Reiki attunement (feel free to google that!) - physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. So far, the theme for my healing/releasing has been trust. Trusting the process...trusting the outcome...of many things in many different areas of my life...trusting my path.  That is not something that I have really been that good at - I like to know the outcome or destination of things - yes, that's the control freak in me. Learning to give the outcome of any given thing over to the process or to the Universe is taking some reprogramming. It's a lot of deep breaths.  A lot of, "Ok Jodi, just trust this process".
Being in control of whatever I could be was a protection mechanism that I put into place a long time ago.  It made me feel safe. How naive, right? That is logic bourne of inexperience and immaturity, of fear.
I'm 45 now, and although that still shocks me at times, with that age comes quite a few years of life experience. With that experience comes honesty. With honesty comes the stripping down of the armor that I once put in place. It's seeing how far I've come and how far I still have to go...how far I want to go. It's learning what truly matters to me. It's seeing my body as the incredible vessel that it is and that I need to cherish and take care of it because I'm not a foolish, consequences-be-damned 20-something anymore. It's being accountable for my choices and actions and having empathy and compassion so that I can see how those very same actions and choices may affect those that I care about.
On the other hand, it's quite frankly, not giving a damn about what others think. It's knowing that "No" is a complete sentence and needs no further clarification or justification. It's being perfectly a-ok with not jumping on anyone's bandwagon thankyouverymuch (not that I ever did much of that anyway). 
It's about loving me. All of me. The messy, scary, dark bits, and the bright, lovely, sparkly bits. It's about being kind and gentle with myself, yet kicking my own butt when the need arises. It's thinking that a couple of hours in a kayak on a lake with a friend is worth more to me than a night at the bar, and it's knowing that it's perfectly ok to spend a day on my bed with a good book or Netflix once in a while.
Mostly, I'm learning that as I approach midlife, I need to trust this path that I am on. Trust that I have retained the lessons learned the hard way throughout my life. Trust that I will keep listening to my angels and the Universe when they tell me that it's ok to take that leap of faith. I can build my wings on the way down if need be.